ON THE EDGE OF MY LIFE TRACK

Jadi setiap tgl 25 setiap bulan aku kena mental breakdown yang tadinya aku kasih nama monthly anxiety and depression attack. Kemungkinan besar karena PMS. Tapi kalo tanpa trigger mungkin bisa aj di hindari atau lebih ringan gejalanya.

Aku udah kena gejala depresi sejak mulai memasuki kerja. puncaknya waktu S2 di negeri orang. aku pikir karena aku homesick, jadi pas balik ak berharap udah gak ad lagi yang namanya mewek2 gak jelas, depresi sana sini... ternyata nggak.

Ak tarik kembali omangan kemaren "I'm happier now anyway". I don't think so.

Umur mau 30, lajang, belum punya pekerjaan padahal lulusan univeristas tokyo, pressure dari orang tua yang mepertanyakan effort ak dalam job hunting dan yang paling dasyat adalah, YA, tak lain tak bukan NIKAH.

haha.

Mereka maunya ak nikah di umur 30, gak usah punya job yang elit yang mana aja boleh yg penting di gaji orang, yang penting jadi ibu rumah tangga, urus suami. mereka bahkan mem-planning-kan masa depan ku (what a full control parent).

Mereka punya rumah dan tanah di pekanbaru, jadi maksudnya aku di suruh pindah kesana, bahkan udah nyiapin calon yang ak gk kenal sama sekali. dengan mudahnya bilang klo ak mau, masalah lamaran gampang.

HM? HM?

Dengan alasan di pekanbaru banyak famili mereka setngah memaksa untuk setuju dengan rencana ini. 
Famili? I BARELY KNOW THEM! 
Mau bilang NO, bisa ada 2 kemungkinan, dibilang durhaka atau anak gak ngerti mana yang untung 

Setelah mental breakdown habis2an karena tekanan yang sepertinya aku harus bilang ya karena ak gak ngerti cara nolak tanpa bikin mereka judgemetal terhadap diriku ini (Ak punya mental serapuh tahu sutra) Ad 2 solusi untuk masalah ini:

1. Dapet kerja tetap disini atau luar (selain pekanbaru) (YA ALLAH! HAMBA MOHON BERIKANLAH HAMBAMU YANG DESPRET INI PEKERJAAN TETAP)

2. Tanya si pilot kalo dia pernah denger bapaknya nyebut diriku ini depan dia (ini jg termasuk rencana orang tua saya sodara2.) (I don't have trust to have control of decision in my life) dan jadian sama dia. (ASTAGHFIRULLAH. SEJAK KAPAN HIDUP AKU JADI KAYAK DI PERSIMPANGAN JALAN?)

I'm a mentally ill person.
Every time I got breakdown, I have that feel, wanna get some drugs, anything that can erase my depressed self and bring another me out.

I don't know. I don't have an urge of intimacy for someone. I live my life detached from others. I'm a self-reliant. Maybe I'm asexual who knows.
I don't have desire to get married. 

I regret I didn't take Phd and stay in Japan for next 3 years. I don't mind to have another depression about how useless my research is (at least I have scholarship and Disneyland) instead have breakdown once a month mostly because of sensitive questions that my parent (apparently) always ask me near my PMS period. 25th. 

YA ALLAH PLEASE HELP ME.

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